Have you ever felt that you are very inadequate in something that even though you want to do it, you just know that you can’t because it’s not how you were bought up. Or you super duper want that something, you know you can’t have it because it’s not the right time, and yet everyone around you is urging you, pushing you to do something you’re not comfortable with.
That is how I’m feeling whenever me, my cousin and his partner go out. Every single damn time, they wanted me to have a significant other already and I also do want to do that, but the thing is, I know my value, I know I am so not that person who would go out point to a person, a guy, and say I want you!
I don’t flirt, I rarely go out and talk to another person because I know that if someone really do like me they’ll be the first one to make a move and that would not be me! I’m the person who would just look at people and smile or nod if I see you looking at me but if a guy is interested in me, I need you to be the first one to make a move.
While on the other hand, my cousin and his partner, ungh they do this thing called urging, or rather pushing, they are very pushy. When we go out, there would be a guy coming towards us, my cousins partner will be like: “Si Audrey, single!” and I would be so humiliated. They are degrading me, they are treating me like something to be bought in a public market, like a cheap person, I hate that feeling! I will just ignore their urging and just look at them in something I called “patay malisya”; but they would scold me, demand me to flip my hair, smile, flirt, do all those things that is not me! “How can you have a boyfriend if we don’t do it?” my cousin will sometimes ask me that.
But I know I can have a boyfriend without being degraded to something you can buy in a public market for $4.00 or even free. I value myself too much, I just don’t know what to do anymore, do I just blurt that I have enough? That I don’t want to do what they’re pushing me to do because it’s not me?
I think it’s time I stand for myself.
The next time they do that to me I will return the fucking favor, let’s see if they enjoy the feeling of being cheap.
Everything Yan 